to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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