Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
