Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
