he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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