Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
