i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
