good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
