PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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