My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
