I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
