Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
