atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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