last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
how does that bad decision feel?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
