the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
