remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
