i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
