Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
