The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
