Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
