So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
