Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
