You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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