im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Randomize
