my being single is dangerous.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
