On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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