Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Another day, another engagement, another cat
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
