I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
