I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
this hospital has no fireball
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
