We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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