I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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