I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize