dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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