Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
