I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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