The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
