I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
