I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm too high and old for this...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
