Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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