I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Panties = found
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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