nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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