you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
