If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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