where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
