# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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