Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
