the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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