She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
