paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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