I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
