the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
