cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
