if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize