New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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