he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
