i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
