Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
