So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
