Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
