girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
